And it's an insomnia night!
Since I was awake, I listened to the Selected Shorts podcast with a reading of Allegra Goodman's La Vita Nuova.
I remembered reading and liking the story when I read it in the New Yorker in May 2010 and it was comforting in its familiarity as it unfolded even though I didn't remember what was going to come next. The sadness but gentleness was also perfect for 2:30am.
When I'm up in the middle of the night, I also give myself permission to compose my own comforting and familiar stories in my mind. I had not really thought about the process until tonight but I actually imagine a little box. I draw it behind my eyelids. Not a three-dimensional box, just a line drawing. A boundary. And then I suspend the daytime rules of not hoping for what's not likely to happen. I forget about protecting my feelings by being realistic.
I allow myself to pretend that the thing I most hope for is not only possible but happening: I'm sharing my life, happy and at ease, with the person I love. And then write little scenes with the new reality. The little scenes are comfortingly familiar too, very close to real life. Most involve making dinner on a lazy Saturday.
Who knows, maybe the insomnia is not caused by drinks and dinner too close to bedtime. Maybe its about wanting the permission dream.
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