First Love

In 6th grade I was in love with Eddie Van Halen and convinced that as soon as I was old enough, I would meet him and marry him. My room was decorated with Van Halen albums, I had a Van Halen jersey, and I even had a leather wrist band that was really stylish with my purple feather earrings. Moccasin boots would have completed the look but my mom never let me sink (rise?) to such burnout lows (highs?)

Yeah, yeah there was that whole Valerie Bertinelli thing but, instead of deterring me, she just made me glad I was a brunette and convinced I had a shot. Today, Valerie is looking fine in a swimsuit; Eddie only has half a tongue (or so the urban legend says); and I'm sprouting grey in my brunette hair and sizing up the jumpsuits of Van Halen.

Eddie, you will always be my favorite but your jumpsuits (like Pete's) are too much like coveralls. Thanks for the guitar playing and for being my first rock star obsession, but you are not the Jumpsuit King.

I'm also going to be blunt and just say up front that neither Michael Anthony nor Alex Van Halen have enough charisma to win this contest. It doesn't matter how good their jumpsuits might be. I won't even bother Google Image searching their names.

That leaves us with David Lee Roth: known as much for his high fashion as for his golden mane. This is a jumpsuit! And the move to go with it. As great as this jumpsuit is though, I have to hesitate. I feel like DLR is better known for his assless chaps and big mat of chest hair.

When calling up a mental image of the winner, he or she should be wearing a jumpsuit. In my minds-eye, David Lee Roth is always half naked with a bunch of ribbons and bandannas tied around his calves. This is a dangerous rule to make: plenty of other contenders are going to have other prominent looks too. And David Lee Roth represents the athletic, bodysuit kind of jumpsuit rarely achieved by other rock stars. He always looks ready to out tumble a team of Chinese gymnasts and do it with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. That settles it: David Lee Roth, you are moving on to the next round!